A bunch of my very best girlfriends have gotten engaged/married recently and I could not.be.happier. for them. Seriously. I’m just surrounded by all this love and it’s the best thing ever.
However, despite all this love, I am continually astounded by how weddings really bring out the crazy in people. Like really. A lot. Of crazy. Weddings are supposed to be all unicorns and rainbows and yet not really because PEOPLE ARE NUTS.

My girlfriends who have gotten engaged semi-recently figured out their wedding parties in the last couple of months/weeks and both (BOTH!) had to deal with some serious cray cray when a few people found out that GASSSSSP THEY AREN’T IN THE WEDDING!!!

Whoa. Hold on. Let’s chat about this.

Now, I feel like I need to preface this rant by disclosing that I was asked to be in both weddings and I am completely and totally honored and pleasantly surprised (not like, wait this is weird we’re not friends surprised, but awwww OMG thank you so much for asking, surprised; there’s a difference). HOWEVER had they not asked me to be in their wedding IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE. We would have still been friends, I would have asked obnoxiously often for wedding updates and I would have showed up at the wedding and made friends with the bartender and gotten free tequila allnightlong. These are all things I plan on doing whether I’m in the wedding or not (WARN YOUR BARTENDERS) because our friendship is not defined by one, albeit important, day.

When I asked my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids, I was a little nervous for the cray cray to ensue. Luckily, and at least to my knowledge, not a negative word was said about my decisions. That is obviously because I have done a stellar job of making friends with only the best people in the world. Seriously. BUT the fact that I was CONCERNED about asking people to stand up for me at my wedding because others would be upset!? That’s just dumb. Excuse me while I insert the cliché What-Is-This-World-Coming-To statement.

I could have had bridesmaids for days. DAYS I TELL YOU. Do you know how many women in my life are amazing? Every single one of them. Otherwise I’d kick them to the curb. JKJKBUTSERIOUSLY. I love them all and I would love for ALL of them to be in my wedding and have that sort of an honor. But that, my friends, is what we call being unrealistic and also teetering on silly. So instead, because my lady-loves who are non-bridesmaids as well as bridesmaids are the classiest most amazing bunch I know, they’ll come to my wedding regardless of their title, laugh when I screw up my vows, eat some mass-produced chicken, and get down and dirty with me on the dance floor. Fun will be had all around.

Anyway, getting back to my engaged girlfriends – through their engagements and announcements of their wedding party, it has come to my attention that not all lady-friends are as amazing as my lady-friends. There are some who are downright angry if they aren’t asked to be in a wedding that they feel entitled to be in. I get it. Maybe your feelings are hurt. But that is why I am here, lady-friends. I’m giving you back some perspective. I’m gonna help you out.

 

5 Reasons Why NOT Being a Bridesmaid is Awesome

 

1. Diet? What Diet?

Don’t have to fit into a bridesmaid dress in 9 months? Eat them potato chips, girl! Have a cookie! What’s stopping you? Diet when your dead.

2. Money Money Money Money…MUUUNNNNEEEEEEE 

Dress, shoes, showers, gifts, parties, trips…weddings are not cheap. If you’re a bridesmaid you’ll gladly shell it out, but if you’re not a bridesmaid? TRIP TO IKEA. SHOPPING SPREE AT ANTHRO. NEW JAGUAR JUST CUZ. You’ll be rolling in it! Head to Target, pick something off the registry as a gift, and then proceed to the wedding and drink too many vodka crans, cuz hey, you can afford it. Go you.

3. SO MUCH FREE TIME

Not only will your schedule be wide open without a plethora of wedding-planning dates that bridesmaids go to, but you’ll also have a much more relaxed time getting ready for said wedding. Bridesmaids are up and at ’em early so they can get their hair and makeup set and help the bride with anything she needs. But you? Sleep in. Have a coffee. Watch House Hunters.

Take a leisurely shower at around noon and show up looking bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to party the night away. No Chuck Norris shot in the world can do what 10 hours of sleep does. You’re welcome.

4. 1 and Only! 

If you’re a bridesmaid, you might be looking fine, but you’re also looking mighty similar to 5 other ladies, amiright? Without bridesmaid status you have full permission to pick out a one-of-a-kind dress (don’t get ridiculous; this is not your wedding and that’s a whole other can of worms we aren’t even getting into today), some new shoes, whatever hairstyle you want, maybe even a statement necklace. Who’s telling you how to dress? NOBODY. Which will make it a lot easier to…

5. Make a Hot Friend

Your #1 job as a bridesmaid is to help the bride with anything she needs. Your #1 job as a non bridesmaid is to drink your face off (this is suddenly turning into a PSA for getting drunk at weddings but just go with it) and find someone hot to spend the rest of the night with (notice I did not say SPEND THE NIGHT WITH; keep it classy, ladies). Who do you have to worry about? JUST YOU. So while the bridesmaids are handling a cake crises you can cozy up with your new buddy on the dance floor and not feel the teeniest bit guilty.

So, if your friend just got engaged and you’re not a bridesmaid and you’re feeling a little sour puss about it, cheer up. Don’t be the girl who ruins a friendship because of one teeny question, and certainly don’t make your bride friend feel like poo. There will come a day when you are a bridesmaid and on that day I will rejoice with you…and then go to that wedding in my 1-of-a-kind dress after 10 hours of sleep and eat so much cake I feel like exploding and just throw money everywhere and MAKE IT RAIN with all my extra cash from not buying a bridesmaid dress.

So just be happy for your friend and make peace with not being a bridesmaid. If it makes you feel any better, I was never a flower girl.

…I don’t wanna talk about it.

____